Friday, 27 January, 2012 20:00
I'm sorry typewriter, you just don't suit my blogging needs.
Attention:
I am now collecting applications for the highly coveted position of being my laptop. Humans need not apply.
Please note cruel irony and sweet torture in the fact that I am writing this post from the keyboard from the old computer. The one who has been routinely dropping the ball. Who has been unreliable, shows up late, and been massively unproductive. Yes, I’m the kind of jerk manager that makes the current laptop look for, and train, its own replacement.
Responsibilities and Qualifications
- Process words. Manage internet. Maybe once in a great while edit a photo (resizing, cropping, the occassional removal of a watermark).
- Massive internal storage need not apply. Everything is online, duh.
- Must be able to keep up with my possibly insane typing demeanor. I type fast, yes. But I also type hard. Impact tolerant keyboards go to the front of the line.
- Able to keep up with my varying attention spans – which are short, long, sporadic, and sometimes requiring 100 different windows to be open at the same time, most managing different tasks, some unknowingly managing the same task.
- Don’t pay attention to anything I do in the “incognito window.”
- You gotta be fast. Really fast. But be quiet about it.
- Battery life – you can’t crap out after 3 hours. Or explode. I can’t believe I have to write this point out.
- Be stable enough to not threaten a heart attack because I’m playing a video. I’m talking low-quality YouTube videos. Although, being able to play with Vimeo and not start whining is a plus.
- Interested in the long term, be ready to commit. The current record stands at 4 years for a laptop. However, halfway through that term she needed a heart/brain transplant. Never quite the same after that.
- Must not pretend to “forget” all of my passwords every month. C’mon now.
Benefits -
- You get my attention just about every day. I imagine that is very valuable.
- Access to all of my dirty secrets, and the occasional boring client file.
- Stickers. I’ll cover you in the prettiest, nicest quality vinyl stickers. You’ll feel like a queen.
- Every now and again, you’ll actually be on my lap. Some people have to pay to get there. You get it for free!
Send all inquiries through the contact form on this website.
